It was only a few years ago that I realised I was a perfectionist.
I had thought that a perfectionist had a perfect looking life and home, like my old school friend Stacey, who’s anxiety is super heightened if anything is out of place.
That’s most definitely not me. I’m a bit of a whirlwind, and struggle to organise. Nothing I do ever looks perfect. But that’s not what makes someone a perfectionist.
A perfectionist is someone who expects the highest standards possible, though that isn’t necessarily applied to each and every scenario.
For me, it was my expectation of myself. I’ve always expected perfection and berated myself for anything less. Eeeesh!
I turned 40 this year, so it wasn’t until mid 30s when I had the realisation of my perfectionist tendencies; well actually they had to be pointed out to me. I was always trying to be the good girl, and putting everyone else first.
It really wasn’t serving me.
Parenting turns everything you ever knew, on its head. It’s like a punch to the face. It may have been expected, but it floors you nonetheless. And I think it’s because of how different it is to expectations.
How I parented BEFORE having any children (you know, that little voice that makes judgment on what you see done around you by others who already have children) versus how I actually ended up parenting (as I was lead by my children’s needs which were vastly different to my expectation) are worlds apart!!
I spent the first 6 years as a parent, bending over backwards to meet EVERYONE’S needs before my own. I had this wildly unrealistic expectation that to be perfect, I had to do everything all the time and be everything to everyone. Wow, I am lucky that didn’t break me!!
Since 2019 I’ve been unpicking my perfectionist ways. Decluttering things and people who weren’t serving me, and carving out my life in a way that has balance.
I’ve learnt at last how to put my oxygen mask on first, and how that allows everyone around me to flourish as I can show up with the compassion and patience that are true to me.
It means sometimes we have dinner on paper plates if I don’t have capacity for more. It means sometimes we have more screen time than I would like. It means surrendering to my needs as much as everyone else’s, and knowing it’s ok to have some time to myself. The overwhelm is real, and taking time out to regulate myself gives me capacity for everyone else’s needs. And Loops, they are for sure a saviour 🙌 if only I had known when my kiddos were small that using earplugs would help me SO much, as sometimes with small children that’s the only option….to turn the volume down a touch.
Letting go of my perfectionist tendencies is for sure ongoing, and may be something I manage the rest of my life as it’s so ingrained. But I’m hoping I caught it in time, enough to show my children that we can still be kind and wonderful human beings without unrealistic expectations of ourselves.
It’s safe to make mistakes. It’s safe to not get it right. It’s safe to ask for help. I hope these are the lessons my children take away from their childhood.
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