I remember those early months of pregnancy with my first baby. It was overwhelming, full of horrific all day long nausea, and lots of unknowns. I didn’t know anything about birth, not much about pregnancy or looking after a newborn or what to expect generally. I was excited but f**king terrified!
We were one of the first few of our friends to have babies. So we had had some exposure, but not much to pregnant people or newborns.
I got super lucky a couple of times in my pregnancy. It was literally luck that lead me on this path, and I’m so glad for it. The first was bumping in to a friend of a friend in Brighton, where I lived. She recommended Lushtums pregnancy yoga and prepare for birth classes (who I later trained with) as a must do.
I’ve gotta be honest, I HATE being told what to do. To the point that I will often feel inclined to do the opposite. But as someone who has always done yoga on and off, I was intrigued.
I remember the first class still to this day. I was nervous, awkward and completely out of my comfort zone. I’m an introvert. Although not shy, walking into a room of strangers, not knowing what to expect, if I’m going to like it, or even be able to do what was asked of me, left me freaking out!
But I pushed myself and went along. And it was magic. I found a place where there were lots of other people in the same boat as me, where we were all learning about pregnancy and birth as we went along, where I could ask questions and feel listened to. The class left my body feeling relaxed and lovely, as if I had had a really good massage, and I left feeling a bit more confident about the journey ahead.
The combination of the pregnancy yoga & prepare for birth classes, as well as the antenatal course run by the same teacher (later, when I began teaching myself, my mentor), were exactly what I needed. Knowledgeable, compassionate support. It taught me tools to cope with contractions, and actually showed me and taught me what to do. Who knew, you don’t have to lay on your back screaming in agony like they show in the films.
Then the second really lucky thing happened. I didn’t really know it at the time, but it was the best gift I could have ever been given. Let me tell you about my friend Jody.
Jody was, a fellow nurse, who I trained with. A few years after we completed our nurse training she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She kicked its butt, and after a double mastectomy and chemo she was in remission and well.
She lived north of London, and I on the south coast, but we had this crazy idea to do Brighton marathon together. So we trained separately but kept in touch about our progress. Jody got shin splints whilst we prepared for the big day, and was taking strong pain relief to push through.
In April 2012 we completed the marathon together! It was incredibly difficult, a huge physical and mental challenge, yet I’m keen to do another at some point.
But we later realised why Jodie had been in so much pain going round. The cancer was back, and it was in her bones. The diagnosis wasn’t good, it was f**king devastating.
As I sit here typing, I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. Words won’t do my mate justice. She was a badass and wouldn’t take shit from anyone. She spoke her mind and didn’t mince her words. And she played a wonderful, invaluable, role in bringing my son safely in to the world. She thought I was doing her the favour when she asked if she could be there at my baby’s birth, it was most definitely the other way around.
*This is actually me 34 weeks pregnant with my daughter, my third child, but they were both very big babies, so you get the gist. (Sorry kiddo, I do have pictures of my pregnancy with you, but they are saved on a cloud somewhere in cyber space and tech isn’t my forte, I will dig them out soon).
So, Jody was desperate to see a baby being born as she was sadly never going to be able to have children of her own, and she asked if she could be there at my birth. She had asked some other friends previously who had said no, and I think she expected me to say the same. I was quick to say “sure, why not, can’t imagine I will actually care who is in the room when my baby is born”. And I thought very little of it.
(One regret, I wished I had had birth photographers at my births, but didn’t know it at the time that I would look back and think that, plus didn’t even know they were a thing.)
As time went on, I really liked the idea of having a second birth partner/ support person there for my birth, and on the day itself it was a life saver.
Giving birth is like a magical dance, where our birthing hormones build gradually, helping the uterus contract effectively and providing our own powerful pain relief. By having the right setting and people that make us feel safe, enables our body to respond as it was designed, to birth our baby. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but having two people who I trusted, felt loved by and cared for, meant I had the support I needed to birth my baby.
Birth is hard work. Its intense, but it’s the best hard work I have ever done. In labour, time is distorted, and we don’t have any perception of time. For those supporting us, it goes at the same speed as usual. First (and many subsequent) births take time, which can mean potentially seeing 24hrs of the clock or more. Your birth partner/support person will need to stretch, eat, go to the toilet and maybe even sleep.
Having another person who you trust completely is a game changer. You’ll not even notice when one person goes to have a break, as they can swap back and forth as and when needed without them needing to break your birthing flow in any way.
Doulas are invaluable. If you’ve not heard of them, google them (a blog post for another day), as every birthing person should have their expertise as their baby comes earth side.
This is what I’m talking about when I say birth squad. Choose your people, your support team. It certainly takes a village to look after a baby, and it damn well takes a village to bring one into the world too.
So in a nutshell, that’s a bit of my story. Thank you Jody, you’ll always be in my memory, being the badass support person I needed, even more than I knew at the time.
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